Dog Clothes
We have blogged on this subject before and it never ceases to amaze us the lengths that dog owners are willing to go to in order to make their precious pooch stand out with dog clothes. You can see anything from pink studded dog collars to the whole shebang; I am talking about full doggy sunglasses and novelty reindeer antlers.
The big question is, why? Dog clothes only really work with small dogs as there is no canine High and Mighty [that we are aware of] to provide for the larger dog. Additionally a Doberman in a tutu just makes them even more frightening. So a small dog is already up against it, so why pile on the misery by dressing them up like Yoda?
Business Finance
There is a demographic of people who have felt the full extent of the turbulent economic patch that has been the last 18 months; small business owners have been kicked squarely in the dangly bits. Due to what has been profiled in the media as outright greed, banks have brought the borrowing and lending nature of business finance to its knees and as we all know, it takes money to make money!
The holidays are here, yipeddee-skippeddee. Let us join together and celebrate by setting up health and safety hazards around the home. In a week where the EU released a warning about the dangers of Christmas lights, the FFG have been busy researching all the latest potential festive face implosions awaiting us during the silly season. From eye popping champagne corks to chimney descending burn injuries, find out what to steer clear of this yule tide.
Champagne Anyone?
Shabbally Shoopie! Welcome once again to another instalment of FFG fantrabulicious clap trap. We are really short of stuff to write about at the moment so we thought we would raid the wastepaper baskets for scrapped brainstorms and failed pilots. We found one failed pilot, his name is Trevor and he dropped out of pilot school 6 months ago, ba-boom cha. Word play, it is the way of the future.
Comic books have been flooding back into mainstream culture in a massive way over the last decade. They have made a film adaptation of every conceivable super hero and they are running out. We here at the FFG have decided to slice together a list for potential film producers to cherry pick from.
Over the past 500 years Europe has been ravaged by wars. History accredits these conflicts to sovereignty, territory, religion and a number of other factors, however the FFG has delved deeper into the issue and discovered that every major European conflict is down to one reason. The reason is as old as the human race. Hanky Panky.
Countries have been at logger heads for centuries over which country is the best collective lover. Which nation has the A-game in the sack. Which republic can tickle your fancy. We have researched why the French are rumoured to be the best lovers and here is our reasoning:
In some cultures baldness is considered a distinguished feature, representative of knowledge and wisdom. Just not in Western culture. Here baldness is associated with a lack of virility and genetic fragility. In fact, our culture is so fanatic about hair loss that we have researched and developed procedures to move hair from one part of the body to another, commonly referred to as a hair transplant.
The British institution of hellish holidays is something we treasure dearly. Unless we have had our flights delayed, our baggage lost, our orifices violated by a custom official and our hotel double booked, we are not happy. This is because we like to indulge in our national British vacation pastime of moaning. Unless we get our five-a-day then we start to wither and become German.
Car hire is an ample source of material for our holiday moans and gripes, as many people experience various different sorts of torment whilst employing the services of certain less scrupulous car hire companies. This is a list of five main points to watch out for whilst hiring a car to avoid falling into the standard care hire trap.
We humans amuse ourselves in strange ways. Some like a gentle spot of asphyxiation on a blustery autumnal afternoon whilst others are contented to sew together the last few pieces of a patchwork quilt. Such diverse interests are instilled in early childhood while we form our personalities and this happens when we play and socialise as children.
The extreme nature of the spectrum might be surprising at first glance until we vigilantly delve into our childhoods in true Freudian zeal. We think back and realise that our parents and the toy manufacturers were actually trying to kill us. Pump action BB guns, Rambo survival kits, crib dressing that Mossad would be proud to garrotte something with and many other devices to kill and maim.
Ghost Insurance. Seriously, ghost insurance.
If you have recently had your favourite vase smashed by a hostile poltergeist or stumbled over Casper riffling through your underwear drawer then the FFG has the perfect thing for you. You can literally insure yourself or a loved one against being adversely affected by paranormal entities. The policy covers damage to property by poltergeists, injury to persons and apparently you can get 1million pounds if you can prove that you have been transformed into a vampire or werewolf.
Imagine being a dog for a day.
We here at the FFG believe that a dog’s life is underrated. Eat, sleep, excrete – all the best the things in life and if you are having a bad day, a small squeaky piece of rubber can fix everything.
Have you ever seen a dog look at one of those things? Everything else in the world disappears at the first squeak. Their ears prick up as they fix their eyes intently on what humans view as an innocuous object.
You can see in their eyes that they are thinking, “What the hell is that! Man I’ve got to get involved in some of that action. That literally looks like the greatest thing that has ever been created. My life would be so much better if I could have some of that sweetest squeakiness. Oh give it to me, please, gimme, gimme, gimme…”
This happens every time without fail. How fantastic life must be where a simple blend of colour and sound can deliver so much pleasure. Over millennia of civilisation we have developed complex cultural systems to achieve that unparalleled level of ecstasy, which a K9 experiences at the site of a rubber toy. Unparalleled that is, until now…