Government Cutting the Internet!

News from the lobbies of Whitehall has trickled down the Fresh Food Group grapevine and we are shocked to hear that plans are being laid to cut the internet. The penny snatching politicians are planning to roll back versions of the internet in a money saving bid to cut costs and hike prices!

We here at the Fresh Food Group love fresh ideas and innovations so we were delighted to get the opportunity to review the GIT Internet Ringfence, the latest offering from General Information Technology Industries. Here is the promotional infomercial thingy:

Some might say that home decor is the last refuge of the failing marriage. The cynical line is when a couple runs out of things to talk about they get married, after a couple of years their wedding DVD no longer plays without skipping so they have kids, then the kids set out into the big bad world so they ask the timeless question, ‘do the curtains match the carpet?’

As brainwashed consumers we hide in our possessions. We express love by giving material objects and focus our energies on whether to purchase ready made curtains or if blinds would match the parquet floor better. When your idea of foreplay is looking at curtain samples, it’s time to call in the marriage counsellor.

VOIP Phones

In today’s economic climate it is essential to maximise efficiency and profit in any way possible. Over the last ten years there has been a dramatic evolution in many areas of business from analogue to digital technologies. From cameras and printing to telecommunications. VOIP phones are an example of how digital technology brings efficiency and cost effective functionality to business operations.

Hear ye! Hear ye! Bring out your dead and also join the latest FFG campaign. This time we are petitioning God about the amount of sub-genres applicable to the musical genre, metal.

We understand that people who listen and play this sort of music are generally more stylistically aware of where their music ‘belongs’ in the musical spectrum, but there is no need for an entire mass of music lovers to simultaneously disappear up their own rabbit holes.

The British institution of hellish holidays is something we treasure dearly. Unless we have had our flights delayed, our baggage lost, our orifices violated by a custom official and our hotel double booked, we are not happy. This is because we like to indulge in our national British vacation pastime of moaning. Unless we get our five-a-day then we start to wither and become German.

Car hire is an ample source of material for our holiday moans and gripes, as many people experience various different sorts of torment whilst employing the services of certain less scrupulous car hire companies. This is a list of five main points to watch out for whilst hiring a car to avoid falling into the standard care hire trap.

… and get stolen

We all have romanticised comedy images of a burglar; my personal delusion is the two henchman from the cartoon 101 Dalmatians.

Burglars have been depicted over years in print and on screen as a mechanism to satirise an object of fear. The striped jumpers, Zoro mask and bag marked swag are typical delusions, but how do you go about meeting the burglar of your dreams?

Take Me To Your Tweeter

Budding micro-blog social media platform Twitter tweeted its last tweet this morning as it was ravaged by an unknown entity in a DoS attack. A DoS attack is a Denial of Service attack which equates to being abducted by aliens.

The real truth of the matter is that Twitter recently updated their ghost insurance policy to cover alien abduction and all this downtime is really a ploy to claim 63.45GBP in insurance fraud swag by staging a false abduction involving pots and pans robots and cut up Fairy Liquid bottles.

The FFG Needs Your Thoughts

“I’m meaner than a broke decked dog, I’m badder than a frog, I sit at home and drink beer which means man is a slob…”  – OK our rap career has not taken off yet but keep an eye out on YouTube for our first demo which should be coming soon, we are still in process of ‘getting inside the animal’.

In the meantime we here at the FFG have completed our bi-daily infrastructure review and freed one of our walls for our readers to graphitti over. We are looking for Banksy style wisdom to splatter over our new FFG Tag Space, so send us your thoughts, philosophy, mantra, limericks, gripes, moans, shouts, squeals, anythings and everythings.