“Hi I’m British heavyweight boxer Derek Chisora, and today I am going to talk to you about the best way to get incriminate yourself in murder.

I remember when I was just starting out in the ‘incriminate yourself with jaw-dropping conviction’ game, the thought of standing in front of the world media, and boldly stating for the record that I was going to physically murder someone, was a daunting prospect. Many young ‘incrims’ drop out of the sport at an early age because they jump too fast too soon. Start small then build up; one day you could be on the big stage telling peers that you will hunt them down and burn them.

A good way to see if incrim is for you, is to go down to your local corner shop, then present a PowerPoint presentation on how you are going to, [or have already] stolen some penny sweets. If you like the bizare sensation of making loud declarations of your intentions to commit crimes, then incrim is for you.